While all your friends continue to update their social media profiles with images of what their honey-booboos have got them, you’re sitting at home wondering how to plan your day without tormenting yourself on how your life went wrong. Do yourself a favour, LOG OUT. Like, right now. Instead, proceed to log onto your nearest sex toys web domain and place an express-delivery order.
Why should you be the one to suffer the wrath of this day? As if the daily onslaught you receive during your commute through Marine Drive wasn’t enough. Now these canoodling doers of evil have taken social media hostage. Sure you can watch porn and call it a day, but NO, this auspicious day demands that you treat yourself to technology’s best and show these people what they’re missing. While most people will surely fake their Ooohhs and Aaahs today, you can do right by your bodily needs without risking any vocal cord exhaustion or ligament tears.
So here’s an itinerary for those who plan to enjoy this day better than the ones who’ll soon find out that their current Valentine has ran away with their best friend.
Step 1: throw caution to the wind.
Step 2: lie in bed and refrain from taking a shower.
Step 3: download three movies from this list for a movie marathon.
Step 4: order the greasiest Chinese food possible.
Step 5: it is evening time. The pamper-yourself-unholy kit should’ve arrived by now. Take a hot bath. But before that, watch your favourite lesbo porno.
Step 6: PAMPER TIME.
Step 7: we’re not allowed to write about the details of pamper time, ze religious right may misconstrue.
Step 8: repeat Step 6.
Step 9: Thank us and go to bed.
Hope you enjoyed our How-Singles-Should-Spend-Their-Valentine’s Day recommendation. Come back to tell how it went!
PS: For all the true romantics out there, don’t forget to watch the Fifty Shades of Grey today (sorry for the folks who live in India, tumhara toh censorship ne kaat diya).